Hi everyone. I’m a United States Army veteran. Nice to meet you. Since we’re such good buddies now and know so much about one another from the various fictionalized portrayals of our chosen careers... what do you mean there aren’t any movies about ITT Tech graduates who spend their evenings and weekends playing Call of Duty? No matter. Chin up, friend, because it’s not all rose petals and champagne on my end either. I separated from the armed forces in the summer of 2010 after four years of active duty and two joy-riddled combat tours in Iraq. Since I’ve been back stateside I’ve had the same conversation with dozens if not twos of dozens of people about my experience overseas and I’d like to set a few misconceptions straight so that the next time you meet a veteran you both can talk about something that's actually interesting.
1. We’re all PTSD riddled sociopaths.
I told you mom, it's Sergeant Honeybunches
Yes, it’s true, a lot of traumatizing shit happened to a lot of soldiers, marines, airmen, sailors, and whatever the hell coast guard people are called. But that doesn’t mean we all came back unable to hold down jobs and keep relationships afloat. If you see me in the office and I’ve knocked the copier over on its side, alternating between kicking it and screaming at it, it isn’t because I’m crippled by a mental disorder. I just hate that copier. I hate its smug touch screen interface and the way it demands to be filled with paper. TRY BEING A LITTLE MORE SELF SUFFICIENT, COPIER!
Seriously though Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a lot like ADHD, the people that are always saying they have it, probably don’t. On that note, teenagers: you can’t focus on studying for that chemistry midterm because it’s fucking boring, not because there’s something wrong with you. PTSD is a serious condition that affects a large number of returning combat vets (nearly double the percentage of civilians cases in the US) but for most of us the symptoms are manageable. I’m not going to have an episode just because you come up behind me and touch me on the shoulder. On second thought, knock first.
Source: http://www.hcp.med.harvard.edu/ncs/
2. Coming home was awesome.
It’s the thing you dream about for months, that you think about during the sleepless nights on guard duty; that moment when you’ll step off the plane, breathe in the freedom laced American air and be surrounded by your friends and family as everything starts to spin in slow motion to Bruce Springsteen’s - We Take Care Of Our Own. Then the day finally comes and your plane lands and you’re forced to sit for another 45 minutes while the officers co-ordinate with the family readiness group about what ever the fuck it is they do. Then you disembark and stand in formation for another month after which you are finally marched off the tarmac into a warehouse and watch everyone else’s parents and girlfriends surround them while you hum a Coldplay song in the corner and hug your rifle.
I'll never leave you, rifle.
But wait it gets better. That’s just coming back from deployment. Then you get out of the military for good and you go back home. Remember those girls who you used to be able to rely on for last minute end of the night drunken meaningless sex? Yeah, they are all married now and half of them are pregnant and it’s all on facebook just waiting for you to peruse as you wipe manly tears from your cheek. If you’re lucky some of your friends may still be around but it’s likely they got real jobs that require suits and the only time you get to see them is when you get an e-vite for a BBQ bash where your former hard partying bro will spend half the afternoon nursing a Miller 64 complaining about his hot wife and showing your pictures of bro jr. This is the freedom you fought for.
3. The military set us up with marketable skills.
Now granted this one is on you. But since you were probably 18 when you joined (I was 23 so I have no excuse) and since the Army expressly says they will do this (Inspirational Success Stories!) you'd be forgiven for thinking it was true. You’d think that the civilian world will welcome you with open arms when they realize that even though you don’t have any of them fancy new fangled college degrees everyone seems to be talking about, you’ve had a crash course in management under some of the most stressful conditions possible. "The presentation isn’t working properly for the board meeting? Everyone panic! What’s that? No one is bleeding from their neck? Oh, well maybe let’s just try restarting PowerPoint." That’s how it plays out in your head but in reality most employers don’t understand how to translate your experience into terms that fit into their business brain.
But, Stephen, you were a medic that trained in advanced life saving techniques under the careful guidance of a surgeon, two physicians assistants, and a number of senior field medics with years of combat trauma experience. Doesn’t that pretty much qualify you to be a nurse. No! Stupid person, it doesn’t. Though my recruiter was positive that they were basically the same career, the only thing I would be qualified to do in the civilian world is be an EMT-B which means I can make $8 an hour giving oxygen to over-weight asthmatics who thought they’d finally get out there and do that triathlon.
4. We want to talk about our combat tours with strangers in bars.
Unlike the idea you may have of what a vet looks like
I’ll make them pay for putting me in this shiny metal prison!
I don’t show any outward signs of my military past. I didn’t keep the sweet haircut. I don’t wear anything camo-related (though I do sometimes wear my old unit shirt to the gym when I want to let people know I used to be in shape). But I will on occasion bring up the fact that I served in combat to someone I don’t know particularly well. This triggers a series of events in a person's brain that lands somewhere between interest, concern, and guilt resulting in the following responses: “Did you kill anyone?” “Are you, you know, ok?” and “I thought about joining but it just didn’t seem like a good fit for me.”
Pro-tip in case you find yourself in this situation: No one wants to talk about whether or not they had to take another person's life. No one you want to be sitting within arms reach of anyway. Would you ask a stranger about her abortion? Well that’s why you’re single.
Yes I’m ok, enough. Sure I’ve got some hangups. That copier knows what I’m talking about. But even if I wasn’t I’m not going to choose happy hour at Zeitgeist to unburden myself.
Yeah we ended up taking out the whole family, kids and all. Another cosmo?
Lastly, it's fine that you didn’t join the military. It’s not for everyone. Most of our wars have been total bullshit anyway. The stuff that really matters, you’ll probably never hear about because those units are smart enough to stay out of the news. I won’t judge you for choosing to go to college or for trying to get your ska band recognized for their innovative take on the genre. I will judge you for other things though.
5. We’ll ever be able to enjoy a good war movie again.
War ruined war movies for me. I used to love Saving Private Ryan and Full Metal Jacket but now I can’t watch them without crying like a little girl watching a war movie. Hurt Locker? Forget about it. That movie makes me furious. Alright, Special Ops EOD team, you’re going to just drive out the wire in a one truck convoy with no escort and go save an entire company of 2nd ID soldiers cowering in a corner alley after leaving their HMMWVs unguarded in the middle of a city street because they saw a scary IED? Based on real events, my ass. I can’t even enjoy watching a nazi be blown to bits because all I can think while the chunks fall ungraciously to the dirt is, “Aw, that kid had a family.”
If a war movie doesn’t make me spiral down into a pit of self reflective sadness it fills me with righteous anger because the actors and action are so completely unrealistic or that there will be a button or ribbon out of place on their uniform. Seriously, you guys, you don’t understand how much correct button placement is stressed in the military. I don’t often have violent nightmares but I do dream about buttons. *Shudder*
6. We need to be thanked for our service.
I can’t speak for every veteran but personally I don’t need to be thanked for serving in the military. It’s awkward because it puts me in the position to have to thank you for thanking me. It’s like getting stuck on a thank-you mobius strip. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment but A. You don’t know what I did. I could have been sitting in an air conditioned room typing out requisition forms for 6 hours a day rifling through care packages that were meant to get shipped out to the front lines. B. I don’t see why veterans should get special regard in this sense. There are plenty of dangerous, necessary jobs that never get parades. Granted a coal miner parade would be kind of depressing.
The reality is that despite the slick advertising, propaganda and sentiment created by the media, being in the military is just one of the essential roles that makes this big retarded country go round. So unless you’re in the habit of thanking everyone for everything they do, the next time you share a beer with a veteran, just say you’re glad they are back safe and you hope their friends who are still in come back safe too. Then get back to drinking. Because we’re going to turn this life around! Tomorrow.
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Notes: If you are still able to enjoy films about war and want to see one that in my opinion keeps as authentic of a voice as is possible check out the mini-series Generation Kill. Band of Brothers is another excellent choice though I can't speak to it's authenticity since I wasn't even a sperm when those events transpired.
