exersizes in insomnia

It is 4:15 in the morning, no man should have to have his eyes open at 4:15 in the morning. Nyquil you can suck my ass, sickness you can suck my ass, room temperaturs below 60 deg. you definitely can suck my ass. The future vexes me as of late. I woke up a few minutes ago thinking about two things, well three. First I thought how odd it was that I felt high on drugs because I'm so awake yet can't open my eyes, second I thought back to my performance tonight, and third I worried about my transcripts not getting to Arizona in time which means I would have to spend at least another semester here. Yes that would mean that I would still be attending community college courses with kids that were freshman when I was a senior... Another thing that worries me is a tangent of the Arizona problem. I love music, if I can I'll spend the rest of my life playing it. But as for the academic portion of it, I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it. I got kind of a late start in the music game and to major in it , but people assume that I've been taking formal lessons for six or eight years. I've made a good start and my ear is right on but I'm affraid of throwing myself into the frey and being embarrased. I don't mind critisism, but when it comes to something like my music that I spend countless hours trying to perfect, I don't like the thought of being marginalized by music professor who worries more about correct key signatures than the soul behind my piece. If I could have in my way, I'd go away to school to learn something music related maybe more on the technical end, get a new guitar teacher, and stick with my vocal coach here. Spend the next three years writing music and playing small venues while I'm going to school, then move to San diego or Los Angeles and see what I can do. Right now I'm a slightly large fish in a really small pond but I know my songs and my voice have everything it takes to make something of myself and I refuse to not try, I just need to work on consistency. And I'm still wide awake... What other issues need to be worked out this lovely morning.. oh maybe I'll get to watch the sun rise. Lets see so what is it that our society has set me up to believe I have to worry about, there's money, power, looks, sex, fame, and those are just the periferal ones. The day to day drudgery is even worse, credit cards, bills, cars, clothes. Who ever came up with the word "bling" should be shot. I guess I'm pretty well set on most things. Ok heres something that troubles me. I got a free year of maxim from my brother in law and I finally got the first couple issues... and they don't hold my interest- at all. Am I that out of touch with my superficial masculinity? The one article that I actually got into was the interview with michelle branch and I BARELY EVEN LOOKED AT THE PICTURES! Whats happening to me?! Did maxim used to be cooler or have I outgrown my 18-25 age demographic too quickly. Flipping through the pages of that magazine reminded me of a still life MTV, *Bam* new image/idea *Bam* new image/idea, I felt like I should go accuire A.D.D. before the concept would really make sense to me. I also hate grossiery store check out isles. 1. because I'd rather have a robot help me than most of the people you get doing these jobs 2. because I have to stare at those god awful tabloid magazines that display the most tragic string of human depredation. They literally hurt me to think about. Things that upset me continued: forgetting my lyrics, being hungery, pens that leak onto your hand, busy work, that fuckin guy at the M.P.C. language lab, the bullshit our government carries out in my name, the christian coalition - come on guys think for yourselves, yes it is scary to live in an uncertain world with no plan and to have to make choices about fundamentally difficult social issues, but please, president bush (which just could be a construct of my libralism, but he's done enough fucked up crap in office for me to back up my oppinion), being short (sometimes), disapointing my parents, that fucker that drove drunk and hit my parked car, rude customer service, presumptions without reconsideration, the thin red line, hurting peoples feelings, that hypertensive muscle in my thoat, blockbuster, that guy that spit on me in Santa Barbera, the inaccuracy of statistics and how we look to them as almost holy concepts, static behaviour patterns, loosing friends. Ok I think I'm good for now.

today is a most melancholy of days

ever walk around with the blahs for no apparent reason? yesh i think we all must, its like at the core of the human experience, i think we might pop if we were happy all the time, or perhaps even worse, we wouldnt enjoy it. so i stand at a fork in the road, from this launch pad i could pretty much go anywhere in the world that i want to. artist, performer, teacher, producer, i could forseeably do it all, but im so stuck in the mud, like im moving in slow motion. i think i live the tragedy of the upper middle class life style where there is really nothing to worry about to so you start making shit up. of course there is always something to worry about in a universal sense, something that needs to be fixed, since we are such flawed and silly little animals thinly veiled by a rugged eloquence that keeps us guessed wether or not we have actually come all that far from the less advances species from which we split from not too many years ago. theres always something, hunger, welfare, terrorism. people are so ugly sometimes, and they try to smile to fake goodwill toward all, while cursing them with their eyes. everyone should seek counsiling, everyone should take feminist theory classes, everyone should learn the truths kept from us by our white washed text books, and most importantly turn on your muther fuckin brain and pay attention to people when they talk, even when you dont like what they have to say. ignorance is not bliss boys and girls and who ever keeps feeding you that line of shit is trying to manipulate you into a false sense of harmony with a people and an earth that we all too easily forget when given the choice between sedated comfort and the truth. I AM NOT A SATISFIED INDIVIDUAL! I am sad in my comfortably home because i dont know where you start making things better. i can only change myself and hope that i can lead by example. and dont make the mistake of thinking im preaching out to the unwashed masses while i stand on my cloud with my pearly white shoes and clean white robe, im right in the mix with all of you, just trying to figure out what in the fuck i can do to make a better tomorrow for my kids, for my family and for everyone who i dont know who is just as important in every way. we are a species with a shattered sense of community. and community, true community on a all encompasing level, will be our only salvation. period.